The Damn Check Engine Light

I'm sick and tired of the damn check engine light.

How difficult is it to a) actually tell you why the light is on, and b) allow you to determine whether or not to ignore it and clear it yourself? Oh yeah, I forgot, it's so you can bring the car to a dealer, who will then perform a "diagnostic" - i.e., plug a laptop into it. This is yet another way to bilk a car owner out of even more cash. They're very creative at this.

I've heard of some engineering-types doing this at home. They have to purchase the diagnostic software, and the serial cable, not to mention locate where to plug the damn thing in underneath the hood. Not only that, but you really need a mechanic to decipher the message properly, because even after you go through all of this trouble, I've heard that it's still pretty cryptic. There's no way in hell I'm going to devote any of my time or money to sorting out this mystery. If they designed it properly to begin with I wouldn't even be bitching.

And the number of reasons as to why this idiotic, mysterious light can come on are as numerous as the stars. In some cars it can be because the gas cap is on too loose. Well, why don't they tell me that information so I can just tighten my gas cap and not bring it down to the dealer? Oh yeah, that's right... because it's a SCAM.

Besides the annoyance, and the mystery, some states will fail you on inspection if this little fucker is on. Fuck them. No one knows just by looking that it means anything serious, because it doesn't tell you. You could drive around for a year with the light on. Now that doesn't sound very serious, does it?

Even if they divided it into three different check engine lights on your dashboard, it would help immensely. How about:

1) SOMETHING IS MINORLY WRONG. YOU DID SOMETHING DUMB.
2) YOU'RE POLLUTING OUR ALREADY DIRTY PLANET YOU FUCKWAD.
or
3) THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BAD. PULL OVER YOU DIMWIT.

But hey, I guess the dashboard real estate is the most expensive real estate in the world and there's not a square inch left. It must be because they're using the space to give us all kinds of other useful information.

And anecdotally, I've heard a lot of stories from friends and family that their check engine light JUST HAPPENED to go on as their odometer crossed a round number, like say - 50,000 miles. Wow, what a coincidence! An engine problem at exactly the same time when it's due for its next dealer scamming, I mean "service"!

What surprises me about this scam is that it seems like every auto manufacturer is in on it. With today's computer technology, I have no doubt that if they actually wanted to tell you your gas cap was loose, or your tire pressure was off, they could do that.

But instead we are left with one of life's little mysteries, staring at us all day long. It's like the original goddamned "Amber" Alert, except they don't give you a description of the missing kid.

Bastards. I'm going out to my car to rip my check engine light out of my dashboard. How's that for a "diagnostic"?